Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[lithuanianmafia]

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[SlickHolden]

Only In Australia... Can you go overseas and never leave your car.. S.A..TAS
Only In Australia... Can you Vote and not hold citizenship
Only In Australia... Can you drive a 600hp car On L-plates and not on P-plates
Only In Australia... Can you go to the football and sit with the opposing teams followers
Only In Australia... Can you give a license to Oriental drivers that don't speak English
Only In Australia... Can you walk into a shop and feel like a foreigner in your own country
Only In Australia... Can you Drive with one hand on the mobile and the other hand out the window
Only In Australia... Can you get money for doing nothing at all but sit at home
Only In Australia... Can you catch repeats on tv of something you just seen on the same channel 1 week earlyer
Only In Australia... Can you get knocked back for a loan, And the same place will send you a loan application in the mail a week later
Only In Australia... Can you Listen to Football on the radio and the Callers scream Wooooo wooooooo owwwwwww ahhhhhhhh ohhhhhh yes yes yes ohhh ohhhhh ohhhhh how was that what about that yes what about that wooooo wooooo ahhhhh..... and you say What tell me i can't see you idiots

[Ferrari Tifosi]

Three guys decide to go to a bar. In comes a drunk, a pedophile, and a priest ...and then the other two guys walk in.

[Ferrari Tifosi]

1. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

2. What's the difference between between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One's made of plastic and a danger to children and the other carries groceries.

[Matra et Alpine]

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

there's more, there's more .....

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

[lithuanianmafia]

lol, so true

anyways, did you hear michael jackson is now beginning to produce men's suits? ya, kinda strange. but, he says if he's successful, he'll start gettin into boys pants...........

[bballmikey105]

A guys is driving down a road late at night when all of a sudden he sees a 3 legged chicken running 60 mph next to his car. Then he sees a farm with many 3 legged chickens. Completely perplexed, he stops at the farm and talked to the farmer.

Why do you have 3 legged chickens? the man asks.

The farmer replies, My wife, My son and I all like a chicken leg for dinner so we bred a 3 legged chicken. That way we only have to kill one chicken for dinner.

Thats amazing! the man said. How do they taste.

I dont know we've never caught one. The farmer said.

[cuntukimushroom]

a great joke.......


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

lol rofl thats funny

[byronleehk]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

[Ferrari Tifosi]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

HAHAHAHA, good one.

[lithuanianmafia]

A little girl is on her way home from school when she comes across three dogs sitting in a row. She walks up to the first dog and asks "How are you today little doggy?" To her complete surprise, the dog looks up and says "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

Quite shocked, the little girl walks up to the second dog and asks, "How are you today little doggy?" Just like the first dog, the second replies "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

When the girl looks over at the third doggy, she sees that he is looking a little down, so she asks "Little doggy, the other two are happy and content, why aren't you?"

The third dog simply replied:

"My name is Puddles"

[The Tuner]

A little girl is on her way home from school when she comes across three dogs sitting in a row. She walks up to the first dog and asks "How are you today little doggy?" To her complete surprise, the dog looks up and says "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

Quite shocked, the little girl walks up to the second dog and asks, "How are you today little doggy?" Just like the first dog, the second replies "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

When the girl looks over at the third doggy, she sees that he is looking a little down, so she asks "Little doggy, the other two are happy and content, why aren't you?"

The third dog simply replied:

"My name is Puddles"

lol
nice!

similar lines:
3 ducks die. first one walks up to gates of heaven n st peter asks him: how did u die? n he replies, i was blowin bubbles underwatern a boats propellor kiled me. st peter sez, oh dear thts terrible, plz go in. second on walks over, n st peter asks him, how did u die? n he replies, i was blowin bubbles underwater n a boats propellor kiled me. n st replies oh dear thts terrible, plz go in. third one walk up n st asks him, how did u die?
duck replies, i am bubbles.

[Matra et Alpine]

Zinedine Zidane, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are here to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Zidane first he asks, "Zinedine, the world's greatest football player, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Zidane looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Marseilles to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Zidane a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham, "And David, presumably you just want your ball back?"

[bballmikey105]

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

[byronleehk]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."