Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[megotmea7]

lol^

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

uhhh ohhh...
i broke that one...

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.

my girlsfriend rented that one(Chocolat) under my account and i watched it with her ???

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden.

ah-men to that

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

i like cats and i used to have one... till it was eaten by coyotes...

[baddabang]

2 guys are in a bar and they see 3 hot chicks acrosse the room.

one guy says bartender buy those 3 girls a round of drinks.

the bartender replies "dont bother there dikes"

and the guy says do it anyway so he does.

about 10 munites later he asks the bartender to buy them another round

and the bartender says ok if you say so.

5 munites later one of the girls comes over to him

she says " thanks for the drinks do you want to grab my ass"

he says yes and does

the next girl to leave comes up to the guy and says "thanks for the drinks do you want to feel my breasts"

he says yes and feels them

finally the last girl comes up and says " thanks for the drinks would you like to smell some pussy"

the guy says yes

and the final girls takes a deep deep breath and exhales in his face.

[Homem de Gelo]

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are standing together in a bar.

The bartender asks them what they are talking about.

"We are planning WorldWar 3", answers Bush.

"Oooh", says the bartender, "what are the plans"?

"We will kill 14 millions of Muslims and 1 IT Consultant", Bush replies.

The bartender looks very surprised and after a few seconds he aks:
"1 IT Consultant? Why ?"

George W. Bush puts his hand on Tony Blairs shoulder and says:

"What did I tell you? Nobody will ask about the Muslims"!

[whitesmoke23]

Lol. That last joke was pretty good. Not bad. Always funny when u get Bush involved.

[Falcon500]

Ok this is one i heard after my brothers weeding from his best man i dont think this wasmy brother btw.....

A married couple had finished saying their vows and they go out to the carrage they hired and to their suprsie its being pulled by a Donky rather then a horse....but makeing do with waht they had they carried on and the stubborn mule stopped moveing...the husband got out and held one finger up to the donky saying "thats one" they carried on and again the donky stopped and the huband got out and said "thats 2" and a few hundread metres down the road the donky stopped again and the huband got out and removed a pistolfrom his suite and shot it saying "thats 3" and his wife complained how he could shoot the poor animal....the husband just looked at her held up one finger and said "thats one"

[byronleehk]

Subject: Telephone Troubles An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and
that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right
before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Egg Nog]

Nice I love this thread. That women drivers thing was awesome

[Homem de Gelo]

Um bêbado entrou num supermercado e viu uma mulher no caixa pagando as suas compras. Entres as compras da mulher estavam um quilo de carne, duas dúzias de ovos, um quilo de farinha de mandioca e detergente líquido.

O bêbado olhou para a mulher e disse, enquanto, abraçado a uma garrafa vazia de cachaça, cambaleava e lutava para ficar de pé. - Ô, moça. Eu...sei. Eu sei, Você é solteira. Eu sei de tudo.

A mulher olhou para o bêbado e disse - sai daqui vagabundo.

O bêbado então se virou e deixou o supermercado em direção ao estacionamento.

Quando a moça chegou no seu carro no estacionamento, viu o bêbado pedindo esmola e lembrou do que ele havia dito. Ela estava muito curiosa para saber como o bêbado sabia que ela era solteira, então ela perguntou para o bêbado, que estava a alguns metros dela. - Como você sabe que sou solteira? Foi por causa das minhas compras?

O bêbado olhou, parou, pensou e, juntando todas as suas forças, respondeu -Não. É porque você é feia pra caralho!

[carlover]

Um bêbado entrou num supermercado e viu uma mulher no caixa pagando as suas compras. Entres as compras da mulher estavam um quilo de carne, duas dúzias de ovos, um quilo de farinha de mandioca e detergente líquido.

O bêbado olhou para a mulher e disse, enquanto, abraçado a uma garrafa vazia de cachaça, cambaleava e lutava para ficar de pé. - Ô, moça. Eu...sei. Eu sei, Você é solteira. Eu sei de tudo.

A mulher olhou para o bêbado e disse - sai daqui vagabundo.

O bêbado então se virou e deixou o supermercado em direção ao estacionamento.

Quando a moça chegou no seu carro no estacionamento, viu o bêbado pedindo esmola e lembrou do que ele havia dito. Ela estava muito curiosa para saber como o bêbado sabia que ela era solteira, então ela perguntou para o bêbado, que estava a alguns metros dela. - Como você sabe que sou solteira? Foi por causa das minhas compras?

O bêbado olhou, parou, pensou e, juntando todas as suas forças, respondeu -Não. É porque você é feia pra caralho!

This is the best translation I could get:

A drunk entered in a supermarket and saw a woman in the box paying its purchases. You enter the purchases of the woman were one kilo of meat, two dozens of eggs, one kilo of cassava flour and liquid detergent. The drunk looked at for the woman and said, while, hugged to an empty bottle of cachaça, he cambaleava and he fought to be of foot. - Ô, young woman. I... know. I know, You I am single. I know of everything. The woman looked at for the drunk and said - daqui leaves vagabond. The drunk then turned over and left the supermarket in direction to the parking. When the young woman arrived in its car in the parking, saw the drunk asking for alms and remembered of that it had said. It was very curious to know as the drunk wise person who it was single, then it asked for the drunk, who was to some meters of it. - How you know that I am single? He was because of my purchases? The drunk looked at, stopped, thought e, joining all its forces, answered - Not. He is because you pra is ugly caralho!

I used this site to transaltate. It didn't come out that well so could you transalate it to Englis HBoss?

[The Tuner]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[r34_296kw]

once there was a man hu hadnt ****ed his wife in a long time.... one day he came from work n he thought he saw his wife sleeping in bed, he slowly crept under the covers n sheets n he started 2 finger her, she moaned n squirmed in ecstacy, when he had finished he decided 2 go n brush his teeth, when he came in he saw the lite on n saw his wife shavin her legs, "what are you doin in here?!?" he asked her, she then said "sssshhhh" and then she pointed a finger to the bedroom and said "be quiet otherwise you'll wake up your mother"

[r34_296kw]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[r34_296kw]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without panties. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman,
patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

[r34_296kw]

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

[r34_296kw]

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut the **** up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"