Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Blue Supra]

The world would be a much sader place without idiots like this......

If you look closely the number at the bottom of the ad is a 1900 number...

call it... it'll tell you EXACTLY what time it is...

[crisis]

If you look closely the number at the bottom of the ad is a 1900 number...

call it... it'll tell you EXACTLY what time it is...

So you are saying I am the idiot. Hmmmmmmm, interesting theory………..

[Cotterik]

Human intelligence at it's best.!

haha oh my god i bet they were in for it literally seconds after

[SlickHolden]

haha oh my god i bet they were in for it literally seconds after

I bet.. Did someone say we need heated water??.

[MRR]

I LOVE SNIFF PETROL!!

[crisis]

A guy was driving around the outback and saw a sign in front of a broken
down house: "Talking Dog For Sale ." He rang the bell. The owner appeared
and told him the dog was in the backyard.


The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking blue-cattle dog
sitting there.


"Do you talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the dog replied.

After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said:


"So, what's your story?"

The bluey looked up and said,



"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to
help the government, so I told the Federal Police. In no time at all, they
had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
decided to settle down. Signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy was amazed. He went back inside and asked the owner what he wanted
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy said.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[Cotterik]

[NSXType-R]

The world would be a much sader place without idiots like this......

What mammal might that be then?

(A serious question)

[Blue Supra]

a possum!

[The_Canuck]

The last bush pic reminds me of the Israeli picture of the same nature, a little to much, photoshop?

[clutch-monkey]

.......

Temporary Boyfriend Invoice
By Darren Kane


INVOICE



March 2nd, 2006

Attn: Most Selfish Chick Ever
121 East Bitch Street, Apt 2C
New York, NY 10028


Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered

Dear Female Psychopath,

It has come to my attention that after seven weeks of dating me, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.

Under relationship statute #3468, your "bounce-back" action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend -- in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our seven week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.

As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male -- whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with -- then this invoice would not have validity. However that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.

Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you're a total ****ing idiot:

Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Sangria, and whatever else you needed to cry in.)
$300.00
Food (You seemed to crave everything, except for my cock.)
$500.00
Movies (The pieces-of-shit you'd drag me to.)
$150.00
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the seven week dating window, which sucked.)
$200.00
Valentine's Day (That happened to also fall in the seven week dating window, which really ****ing sucked.) $150.00
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke. Was rough in there.)
$80.00
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money.)
$500.00
iTunes songs I bought for you (Your taste in music made me sick.)
$75.00
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick. Literally.)
$50.00
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you ****ing nuts?)
$5,000.00


TOTAL: $7005.00

Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise. I would sign off "Yours truly," however I'm clearly not truly yours. Bitch.

[Blue Supra]

fkn awesome!

[clutch-monkey]

another one:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you.
Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened.
I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

[Cotterik]

[Birdman]

They just didn't think it through..