Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Sledgehammer]

I thought this was kind of funny, fake or not.

Posted to Craig's List Personals:
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 AM EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol
after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that
evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of
fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since
you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help
you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The
guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely
grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van
Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on
your bill in case you 'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on 20with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.. Next time you might not be so lucky..

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite

society!

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy and Kim were making passionate love in Paddy's transit van when suddenly Kim, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Kim until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Kim notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Kim, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy

[let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

[cmcpokey]

that's awful peter.

[Matra et Alpine]

You thought that was bad ? No hope for me then .........

Free Mobile Phone tracing

Just type in the number and it will show the last location it was used.

Big brother is watching! aranoid: :lol:

[whiteballz]

Oldie but a goodie

[Blue Supra]

roflz

[whiteballz]

Something for you guys to ponder about..

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[whiteballz]

Ten reasons golf is better than a woman

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And best of all................

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

EDIT: thanks blue

[Blue Supra]

I think im missing a start or punchline of the above joke.

[teatako]

Person 1: Hey, stop with the racist jokes
Person 2: Racism is a crime
Person 1: and crime is for (n-word. plural.)

[cargirl1990]

Here's one the wife gives me shit for using as wallpaper on the 'puter .....

i seen that car insurance for women. i can see why your wife gives you heck... not funny at all.
that just makes me feel sooooooooo much better about myself as a woman.
( like a man can drive better than a woman, as if... )

[cargirl1990]

the food network is like porn for fat people

[f6fhellcat13]

i seen that car insurance for women. i can see why your wife gives you heck... not funny at all.
that just makes me feel sooooooooo much better about myself as a woman.
( like a man can drive better than a woman, as if... )

Seeing as he posted that about five or six years ago, and hasn't visited the forum in two years, I don't think NoOne will get the memo. Six years is a long time. Hell, you were probably about six at the time that was posted.

And teatako; I'm 12 what is this? and/or

[cargirl1990]

Seeing as he posted that about five or six years ago, and hasn't visited the forum in two years, I don't think NoOne will get the memo. Six years is a long time. Hell, you were probably about six at the time that was posted.

And teatako; I'm 12 what is this? and/or

i just came on this thread today. im actually 18 and 5, 6 years ago, i was 13.

[f6fhellcat13]

i just came on this thread today. im actually 18 and 5, 6 years ago, i was 13.
( this thread should be killed. )

oh... my bad.
There is a caveat in the title, you entered at your own risk.