Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[clutch-monkey]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do.
All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

[m4rb3lls]

*LOL* funny

[cargirl1990]

Thats wicked awesome.

[NSXType-R]

A joke my friend told me-

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?






Santa Claus stops at 3 Hos.

[clutch-monkey]

everything posted in here:
Kill Stories | Mustang Forums | AllFordMustangs.com

[LTSmash]

everything posted in here:
Kill Stories | Mustang Forums | AllFordMustangs.com

There's a little too much testosterone in there. I liked this reply on one of the threads:

Not impressed with your street racing antics.....

Use commom sense if your want to race go to the track.....

[clutch-monkey]

read the '06 GTO thread;

can't remmeber which car but it is 100% german

[Matra et Alpine]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in North America but we haven't got a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

[cargirl1990]

Thats very good.

[Cobrafan427]

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods when they came across a genie. The genie offers them a proposition and says "I will grant you both 3 wishes if the bear promises to stop chasing the rabbit" The bear agrees but only if he goes first. The genie complies and the bear wished he had the biggest package in the whole entire woods. It was the rabbit's turn and he wished for a motorcycle. The bear's 2nd wish was that all the other bears in the woods were female, the rabbit wished for a lifetime supply of carrots. The bear's 3rd and final wish was that all the other bears in the woods fell madly in love w/ him and couldn't resist him. The rabbit wished the bear was gay and rode off on his motorcycle.

[wwgkd]

A man was walking along in the desert and found a lamp. As he brushed off the sand and dust out popped a genie. The Genie says "I will grant you three wishes, but anything I give to you I will give twice as much of to your ex wife." The man stops and thinks about this then says "I want the biggest house in the world." The genie reminds him that his ex wifes house will be twice as big and the man says that's fine.

Next the man says "I want to be the richest person in the world." The genie reminds him that his ex wife will be twice as rich, and the man says that's fine.

Then the man says "I want you to beat me half to death."

[wwgkd]

A man's walking along and finds a bottle, so of course he rubs it and out pops a genie with the whole three wishes routine. First the man wishes for an enormous mansion and poof a sprawling estate pops up out of no where with hundreds of rooms, spiral staircases and fountains everywhere.

Next he wishes for wealth beyond imagining and poof, the mansion is filled with priceless artwork, jewels and bags of gold piled in every room.

Last, the man wishes to be surrounded by beautiful women and poof, the man turns into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: be careful what you wish for, because there may be a string attached.

[clutch-monkey]

epic quote
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Ever notice how 'Arachnid' sounds a bit like 'Anti-christ'? No? Have you ever noticed that some spiders are scary little suckers that hang in midair supported by silk cables that are stronger then steel and wait for shit to blunder into them? I assume you have, because occasionally people blunder into them and scream like a little girl because their face is all sticky. Well, this spider isn't like that. This spider doesn't hang in midair because Sephiroth already claimed the title 'Most Unholy Evil Prick To Float In The Sky'. The only reason it doesn't swim is because Cthulhu most likely lives off the Australian coast and there would be a turf war. We'll get to him later, there's a point to this story.

This spider is proof of God, proof that he's a malicious ass who kicks puppies and makes anime music videos of rape scenes to 'Yakity Sax'.

Most Australians don't believe our country is as bad as foreigners make out. We laugh as we are told that our wildlife is evil, chuckle and shake our heads as people declare our enviroment 'Hellish' and go back to digging up our martian red soil in the 35 degree heat. Hellish? Mate, this is paradise. Even that little bit of hyperbole was stretching things, we have some fantastic rainforests and utterly adorable swamps and wetlands and things. In short, we don't think our country is as nightmare fuelish as we are told it is... But what if it is!?

Last weekend was my Sisters birthday and as she is still of the age where she uses a training sword and can barely maul a bull elephant, and because I was in the state and the very earth cowered in fear, we decided to go and visit the Australian Reptile Park, a place now #1 on my list of 'stupid-as-dick places to seek refuge during a zombie apocalypse'. For those of you who don't know, australias reptiles aren't the most acoomodating bunch. We have the largest reptile, in the world, most commonly known as the saltwater crocodile and frequently reffered to as 'Liquid Fear'.

It had more than just reptiles, as it turns out.

We followed this one funny chap around the park as he did talks on all of the Iconic Australian animals and proved that you don't need to be sensible to work with creatures capable of removing your fingers, arms or immolating your living soul. We watched him cheerfully fish around inside a hollow log for a Tasmanian Devil (Devil.) with his bare hand, and drag the screaming (Yes, they scream like a black god) little dervish out of the darkness. This little sucker can flood it's ears with blood to make them glow red, because it feeds on your fear. If there was a superhero named Tazzy Devil, he would eat Wolverine alive, bones and all. We watched this insane zookeeper tease them with a bloody kangaroo leg and then watched these furry chainsaws eat it. All of it.

Then he fed a 3 meter long crocodile named Elvis, I can only assume he was named Elvis because he likes to consume his own weight in hamburgers daily and can never truly die. The rotten chicken (apparently they like eating old corpses, which raises the question of how there got to be new corpses.) was so badly decayed that it fell off the feeding stick and he was forced to prove he has a deathwish and grab it out from near its mouth and toss it at the God-Lizard before he finally munched it down with one bite. For anyone who thinks this isn't that stupid, let me stress that a Salty is not your basic 'Gator. It's a Croc. In a later show he (yes, he survives to give more talks) hands a juvenile 'Gator to some little girl he dragged into the show pit because these things are really just moving logs that snap at passing carrion. An Australian Salty equivalent was brought in, and made every attempt to go beserk and eat the trainer, the little girl, the Gator and the show pit itself. They are not friendly.

He fed some dingo's, letting the things lick all over his face in a display not unlike standing on a shooting range covered in big magnets. Why you would let the asshole of the canine world (think wolf without the class ) taste you!? You can't tame these things, they will maul and defile your corpse in an attempt to become the Alpha male. These things can take down a cow weighing hundreds of kilos trying to kick it's face in, do you think swatting it with a newspaper will stop it feeding you your own asshole?

And the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. There was a show on the snakes (I'm not even going to tell you about the show, this man is the Anti-Murphys-Law), and a large hall or two in the very cool reptile cave-thing. As stated, I have never thought of my country as Evil or that dangerous, but the nameplates alone started to erode my indoctrinated self-assurance. Death Adder. Red Bellied Black Snake (it even looks demonic). Feirce Snake. Taipan. Do you know what Taipan means in Japanese? It means 'Big Boss'. That's right, the son of a bitch Solid Snake was cloned from and who routinely kicked the collective asses of the world probably had to beg and plead to get his name from an Autralian Snake. What the hell, God!? Add in the fact that the most asshole slithery thing in the place is named simply 'Brown Snake' (perhaps the color of your trousers after you find one in your bath. I kid you not) and we get a kind of sick understanding of the creator of this continent. It was dawning on me that perhaps I was the one ignorant of the true nature of my beloved land down under.

The turning point was the Spiders.

I can live with the trees with the poison hair (every other tree forms a symbiotic relationship with animals, using them to spread seeds. There is no excuse for this tree, it is simply a jerk). I can live with the poison-torpedo shooting seashells. I forgave the jellyfish. I can look past the snakes. I can forgive the fact that both of our national animals routinely maul tourists who think they're cute, rather than malevolent and twitchy sacks of hate equipped with sonic-ram-legs. I can forgive the Blue Ringed Octopus. I can forgive the fact that Spore: Australia Edition would be MA 15+. But I cannot forgive the Sydney Funnel Web. Not in a million years will there ever be an excuse for the Sydney Funnel Web.

This is #1 on 'shit you don't want to bite you'. Period. If you get bitten by a snake, you have over 4 hours until the damage becomes chronic and sometimes up to 12 before you keel over dead (it's the heat and long distances to hospitals that make australia so nasty with snakes, that and the fact that our snakes have venom you could clean grease stains with). Not so with the SFW, the record for surviving this Eight-Legged-Armaggedon is an Hour and sixteen minutes. The record. That was a healthy, very healthy man, fully hydrated and who knew how to treat the wound and stem the flow of poison and had god on his side (fickle ass). You, unprepared and unaware, will last 40 minutes, maximum. Think about how long that is, that's not a long time. That's not counting the fact that your fate is sealed after about 25 minutes, mind you, and you'd better hope the ambulance reaches you in time.

Let me give you a rundown of what a whack from this thing will do to you:

1) Agonising Pain. Not 'ow, put an ice-block on that' agony, but roll on the floor and beg for death agony. Neurotoxin is an utter bitch and will rape your nerve endings and make you see Satan.
2) Drooling. Not spit, not the pre-vomit wet-mouthness. After only 5 minutes you will drool so much and so uncontrollably you can barely breath or speak, making calling for help really hard. Did we mention agony more extreme than anything you have ever felt?
3) After this point, the fun stuff starts. You will cry, pee and crap blood, you will drool and vomit blood and the agony that once made you want to cut off your bitten limb has now spread to your entire body and is making every nerve scream for death.

And this little prick of an animal will bite you multiple times, if he can get you, because he feeds on your tears.

You die at this point. Ambulance drivers don't rush for snake bites, save to spare you prolonged pain before you get the cure. They will run red lights, scrape up against other cars and mount the sidewalk to get a funnelweb victim to the hospital, because after they've got there the guy is usually crying blood already.

If it bites your hand and you survive (making you honorarily Ultra), you will lose fingers, if it bites your foot be prepared to lose it, if it bites your face you're about to become one ugly ****er. Most of Australia's wildlife gets exaggerated in its lethality (at least I thought it did), even though everything here bar the sheep spit poison (the trees, damnit! Poison Trees!), but not the funnelweb.

I'm Not Trying To Look Bigger. I'm Preventing Your Escape.

[clutch-monkey]

the rest:
______________


look at those god damn fangs, they can drive those suckers through your toenails. I wouldn't mind the evil bastards if they lived out in the western wastes like all the rest of our anti-christ animals, but this is the, by name: Sydney Funnel Web. How is this fair? It's like having the 'Suburban Sewer Grizzly', and it weilds a chainsaw. For god's sake, it's not even a restrained arachnid bastard, it's known for being an agressive little ****. The males, the ones with venom 10 times more potent than the females (that's right, 10 times) are designed to wander looking for females, who hide in (duh) funnel webs. Let me spell that out: It's an agressive, sadistic, overly toxic hairy asshole and it's made to wander all over sydney crawling into warm and enclosed spaces like your shoes and gloves and houses, and it can bite through your toenail when you have the audacity to wake it up in the morning. It's vexom has Hemotoxic, Neurotoxic and Necrotic effects. I don't know what that last part means exactly but Necrotic is never good and it may raise you as a zombie. Not fair.

This is what gets me. Not that it's evil, not that it's deadly, not that i'd rather burn to death while drowning rather than die of this thing, but that it has evolved and adapted in a short period of time to make Sydney (and you thought the cities were safe...) it's stomping ground. It's not natural, it's vindictive. It's proof of a malevolent God and i'll dare any person to be bitten by this sucker and not beg for divine intervention.



The Point Of This Thread: The Aussie reptile park is a private venture, it gets no funding for the amazing conservation work it does for Tazzy Devils and several other endangered species. The only thing seperating these adorable and deadly critters from leaving us forever is the entry fees of those who visit the good people there.

If you wanted to see all these deadly creatures (and a whole bunch of non-lethal and cute/awesome ones as well) in a safe place, the Reptile Park is the place to go. The crazy guys there are friendly, warm and often hilarious. They love their jobs. If you're a local, a tourist, or want to see a grown man piss of an Eight-legged Satan for your amusement (and then learn to survive it), then drop by. Nature will spare you one horrible death.

Some Clarifications

The SFW has a strike range of literally 0. It's fangs are so large it can only kill things directly below its mouth, and can't move when in a striking position (see above). It can't run fast or leap at you, and if you check your shoes and don't be a dick you can survive an encounter with the little sucker (hand him into authorities to make anti-venom! Take that, SFW!)

Snakes are lazy bastards, and will not chase you. Except perhaps the Brown Snake, because it's a jerk.

Yeah, I just advertised for something. But it's based on an anecdotal good time and a genuine desire to help out the good folks at the ARP, so if you have a complaint i'm teachng Funnelwebs to jump and introducing them to your ecosystem. Whahahaha.

PS: I know exactly what Necrotic means. The bite from the SFW will bleed for so long even after it stops hurting that you may just wish it had killed you.

[csl177]

^^^ Damn... that WAS funny. But then I always laugh at large chitinous cheliceral fangs.