Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Matra et Alpine]

a serious message too .....


The normal boobs ( . )( . ),
the silicone boobs ( + )( + ),
the perfect boobs (o)(o)
Some boobs are cold (^)(^),
and some boobs belong to grandmothers \./\./
And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o),
and very small boobs (.)(.),
and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.).

We love them all!. Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to breast cancer. ............ Save the boobies

[Matra et Alpine]

Each time i go to my allotment somebody has come along and dumped about a ton of new soil on my land.

I went there again this morning and again, there was another new load of soil.

I just don't know what's going on.

The plot thickens....

[aiasib]

hahaha that sounds like something Tim Vine would say. These are for you Matra :

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[Matra et Alpine]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now .. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Matra et Alpine]

TRUE FRIENDSHIP SCOTTISH STYLE (Rather funny - but true! lol!).

When yer sad, I'll help ye get pished and get the bastard that upset ye..

When yer blue, I'll try tae dislodge whatever's choking ye..

When yer scared,I'll rip the pish oot a ye til yer no..

When yer worried, I'll tell ye how much worse it could be until ye stop yer moaning..

When yer sick, stay the **** away fae me..

When ye fall, I'll laugh ma ****in' head aff an' help ye up...

[Matra et Alpine]

I was in a club last night when this somewhat effeminate chap minced up to me.

He asked, "Where's the gay room handsome?"

I replied, "It's straight up there"

He said, "Oh, it must be down stairs then"

[aiasib]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Matra et Alpine]

A blonde girls' car keeps overheating.
The local mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes.
When she asks what was wrong with it, the mechanic says "just shite in the air filter ma'am"

Blonde replies " And how often do I have to do that?"

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

[Matra et Alpine]

What's the difference between a cop with a speed gun and going down on a woman?


When going down on a woman you can see the c*nt behind the bush...

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy says to mick "what the f*ck are you doing talking into an envelope?", "I'm sending a voicemail you thick bast*ard"


An alcoholic, a chain smoker & a homosexual go to the doctors. The doc says "if any of you indulge one more time you'll die". As they walk home, they pass a bar. The alcoholic has a shot of whisky and falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked. As they walk along the road again they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the pavement still burning. The homosexual looks at the chain smoker and says "if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead"

[Matra et Alpine]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

[Matra et Alpine]

[Matra et Alpine]

BBC News: An ultra-light 'plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.

Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.

...............it was a mortar attack.