Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Matra et Alpine]

If the Germans had no humour BMW wouldn't design the 3,5 and 6 series into the clowns that they are now

aha, you forgeot that Chris Bangle IS NOT GERMAN and hence only HE got the joke. The rest assumed he was serious (humour bypass) and went ahead with the designs

[deanee]

those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them

i think they're funny, lol
both

[whiteballz]

theres a variation on that panda one i heard a while ago

what eats, roots, shoots, and leaves?

a wombat

[crisis]

Yes dear.

[henk4]

Yes dear.

straight from daily experience

[crisis]

A couple decides to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some Deliberations decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking out of the gloom, she slams the lid down.
"Jees, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees the two little beady eyes looking at him from the dark pot he too slams the lid back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter, he explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter ...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck......."

[fpv_gtho]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.

As opposed to karate master

[spi-ti-tout]

As opposed to karate master

Alright Alright!

[fpv_gtho]

glad to see you didnt take that the wrong way , it IS the jokes thread afterall

[spi-ti-tout]

Ok, this might be a bit funnier than my last dramatic attempt....

This barber is cutting a customer's hair one day when a man comes into the shop and asks him, "How long till it take?"
The Barber estimates the time and says, "About 1 hour"
So the man goes away and promises to come the next day

The next day the same thing is going on when again the man steps in the shop.
Again, he asks the man, "How much time till it's done?"
The Barber estimates and says, "About half an hour"

The third day the exact same thing is happening, but when the man asks the barber he says, "2 hours"
Again the man goes out of the shop but doesn't return to the shop the next day, the day after that OR the day after that.

Finally on the 4th day he comes in the exact same routine and asks the same question to the Barber and the Barber tell him, "4 hours". The man goes outside the shop. The barber is curious as to why he comes here but never waits for a haircut and always goes. So he sends one of his staff to follow the man and report back to him. The staff goes and finally, after 3 hours, returns, and is laughing and laughing and laughing.

So the barber is quite disturbed and asks him, "Where did he go then, to all the other barber shops?"






The staff continues to laugh his head off and tells him, "no, hes going to your house!"

[whiteballz]

lmfao! nice one! i like it!

[crisis]

Women golfers
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches
into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy
some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Blue Supra]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie thinks this is a great idea. The next Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

[emperor]

A doctor says to a patient:
-Well, Mr. Johnson. For a start you have to quit smoking and drinking alcohol. You have to cut down on coffee. You cant eat fat, so fried meat or barbecue is out. Also in your age you cant be sexually active. Oh and one more thing: Mr. Johnson, really, try and have some more joy in your life.

[Prius]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
They both stick their meat in 12 year olds buns.

Yugo Jokes
Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car?
A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBIE" (the late great Roosian "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG 4X4 PICKEMUP TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.

Q: How do you make accelerate a Yugo from 0 to 100 km in 10 seconds?
Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's
office.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!

Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!

Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer
bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.

Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.

STOP PRESS!!
Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.

- I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo!
- Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery.
- What was the first prize then?
- A fruit-basket!

Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year. They will have a moped called an "I Go". They will have a
4-door called a "We Go". They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go".

(they are all diffrent)