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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #2821
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    Quote Originally Posted by IBrake4Rainbows View Post
    epic pwnage!
    I'm dropping out to create a company that starts with motorcycles, then cars, and forty years later signs a legendary Brazilian driver who has a public and expensive feud with his French teammate.

  2. #2822
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    100
    So a panda walking into a whore house. He Finds the Madam and asks her "Can I have your finest whore?"

    the Madam reply's "What do you need a whore for, you are a panda?"
    Panda: "This I know, but I would still like your finest whore"

    The Madam calls up her finest whore and sends the two of them to a room. Once in the room the panda requests the whore takes of her clothes and lay down on the bed. The panda the proceeds to go down on the whore. Upon finishing the panda starts to walk out the door, then the whore stops him.

    Whore: I believe you owe me money
    Panda: What do you mean?
    Whore: I'm a prostitute, you owe me money?
    Panda: I still don't understand
    Whore: I'm a prostitute, look it up in the dictionary. Has sex for money!

    Panda thinks about this for a second then replys

    Panda: Well I'm a panda
    Whore: Yea so, you still owe me money
    Panda: No look it up in the dictionary, Panda; eats bush and leaves
    "Consider all things - the events of your past and the possibilities for tommorow.
    Let nothing stop you from becoming the architect of your future." - Nicholas Hill

  3. #2823
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    2,494
    LOL

    nice one

  4. #2824
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
    Posts
    27,775
    An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
    It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmers decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
    Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

    Some old men can still think fast.

  5. #2825
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    Jun 2005
    Location
    East Coast of the United States
    Posts
    11,994
    Wow.

    Issue is, what the hell is a horseshoe court?

  6. #2826
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    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,486
    Quote Originally Posted by NSXType-R View Post
    Wow.

    Issue is, what the hell is a horseshoe court?
    This.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  7. #2827
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    nicest one i've ever seen.
    Honor. Courage. Commitment. Etcetera.

  8. #2828
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    Nov 2004
    Location
    brisbane - sub-tropical land of mangoes
    Posts
    16,251

    gym membership renewal

    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Membership Renewal

    Dear David

    This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

    All the best, Jeff Peters


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

    Dear Jeff,

    Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Hello David

    How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

    Cheers, Jeff


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    Do I get free shipping with that?

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Hello David

    Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

    Cheers, Jeff


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Go **** yourself.



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Ok.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    The middle one.
    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

  9. #2829
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Ozland
    Posts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyco View Post
    Russian Rice

    I love the matt black beast next to the beach
    Is it wrong that I actually like this one?


    I mean, take the roof scoops off and it's not bad really.
    Horsepower wins races. Torque pulls trailers.

    http://www.nuerburgring.de/fileadmin/webcam/webcam.jpg <Live cast from the 'Ring.

  10. #2830
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    Attached Images Attached Images

  11. #2831
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    Feb 2004
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    Western Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    11,112
    I shouldn't laugh. But seriously. I lol'ed
    Weekly Quote -

    Dick

  12. #2832
    Join Date
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    For Tax Purposes, Cayman Islands
    Posts
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    Thats....naughty. and quite in keeping with the recent pedobear theme we've had going.

    My contribution.

    Attached Images Attached Images
    <cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>

  13. #2833
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    Attached Images Attached Images

  14. #2834
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    A woman calls Advanced Auto parts one day. The owner of the store picks the phone up. "Hello?" He says.

    "Yes, I need to order a part.", the woman replies.

    "What kind of part do you need? We'll see if we have it." The owner says as he gets a pen and paper, preparing to write it down.

    "I need a 24 ounce water pump for my husbands car."

    At this point, the store owner was confused. "A 24 ounce water pump? What kind of car?" He asks.

    "I don't know." The woman replies.

    The store owner pauses, trying to think of what a 24 ounce water pump was. He smiled, finally realizing what she meant. "Oh, yes ma'am!" He said. "We have a 24 ounce water pump for you right here! We also have 26, 28, and even 35 ounce water pumps, too." He picks up his pen and writes "Blonde woman needs a water pump for a Nissan 240Z."

    ----------------------------------------------------

    A man get's pulled over.

    The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver, John, says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting , John's wife Phyllis says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, John looks over at Phyllis and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

    Phyllis smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, John glowers at Phyllis and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." John says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    Phyllis says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket John turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

    "Only when he's been drinking"

    -------------------------------------------

    A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

    The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

    The cop says: "What are you doing?"

    The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

    The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing naughty is happening!

    The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

    The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

    -----------------------------------------------

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

    Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He i mmediately mailed in his $40.

    --------------------------------------------------

    You may be a racer if ...

    1. You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
    2. You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
    3. Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
    4. You think it's normal to have the outside edge of your tires worn down. If fact, you prefer it because you have "better" traction now.
    5. When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
    6. When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
    7. You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
    8. You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
    9. You push your cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
    10. You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
    11. You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
    12. You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
    13. You sit in your car in the dark out in your garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
    14. Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
    15. Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
    16. You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
    17. You're registered for wedding gifts at Edlebrock and Griggs.
    18. Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
    19. Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
    20. Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
    21. You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
    22. A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
    23. You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
    24. You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
    25. You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
    26. You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
    27. You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
    28. You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
    29. You save broken car parts as " mementos".
    30. You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
    31. You've tweaked your riding lawn mower to improve its cornering ability.
    32. Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
    33. You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
    34. White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
    35. You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
    36. After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
    37. You have race shops programmed on your speed dialer.
    38. You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
    39. You refer to the alley behind your house as the "return road".

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
    At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
    Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
    Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
    Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
    Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
    Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
    The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
    New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
    The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
    Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
    GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
    Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
    "Kimi, can you improve on your [race] finish?"
    "No. My Finnish is fine; I am from Finland. Do you have any water?"

  15. #2835
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
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    EU quarantines London in flu panic

    The European Commission has been calling it "novel flu", replacing the word "swine" to avoid prompting a fall in demand for pork and bacon.

    rofl
    Last edited by Matra et Alpine; 05-07-2009 at 05:25 AM.

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