Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[ZerK]

The sad remenants of WWII humor

"Has your mother-in-law had a facelift?"

"No, that's her gasmask"

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What did the baby mouse say to it's mother the first time it saw a bat?

"MOM! MOM! Look! It's an angel!!"

[lithuanianmafia]

Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1. So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on it. Of course, the bartender thinks something else is going on, so he kicks them out, forgetting that they haven't paid yet.

These two young men end up doing this at around 15 more bars and are totally drunk. The one guy says "My back is soooo sore from bendin over so much." The second guy then says "Well you think that's bad? I lost the sausage around 7 bars ago!"

[junaman]

Lol very funny

I have one

Three American plastic surgeon's were playing golf and bragging about how good they were.
The first one said: I had one pianist come in with all his fingers ripped off. I reattached them, and a month later he played a private concert for the queen.
The second one said: That's nothing!! One day a man came in with both his arms and legs ripped off. I reattached them, and one month later he won 5 field events in the olympics.
The third one said: That's nothing!!! There was a cowboy in Texas on a horse, and he crashed into a building. All i had to work with was a horse's head and a cowboy head.
Now he's the president!

[bballmikey105]

nice one

Heres a short one,

A guy walks into a bar after walking across the sahara and says "Oh my God, I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls. A gay guy on the end says " Mooo."

[Falcon500]

A bloke is ship wreaked and the only surviovers was his pig and his dog...after many many lonely months the mans gets some strange ideas and decides the pig seems like a good idea..so he makes a small move and puts his armaroundthepig and the dog growls at him in jelousy....many more moths passand there is another shipwreack and the only survivor is a beautiful woman who was as much as any man could wish for...the bloke gets the same ideas again so he leaned over to the girl andasked "couldyou take the dog for a walk"

That is one of the sicker ones ive heard lately....the mechanics come out with this filth and much worse lol

[junaman]

Al Gore, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton were on a boat, when it began to sink. Al Gore said, "Save all the women and children because their lives are more important!"
George W. Bush replied "Screw the women!"
And Bill Clinton said, "Do we have time?"

[crisis]

A man gets up from his chair and turns of the tv.
He says to his wife, "Im going to the pub, grab a coat."
His wife replys, "thats lovely dear, are you taking me out?"
"No", he replies, "Im turning off the heater."

[lithuanianmafia]

lol, nice

a father and son live at a very poor farm. one day, their only cow is found dead next to their pond, so the father in his sadness hangs himself. the son is sitting next to the pond crying when a mermaid rises up from the water. she says "if you have sex with me 10 times, then I'll bring your father and the cow back to life" then the farmer's son says "well, how do i know you won't die like the cow did?"

[Batmobile_Turbo]

alright,
if quizes are quizzical what are tests?

[NoOne]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[bikky]

oh well

A phone in a bar rings, the man next to it answers.
caller - hello hunny
man - hello
caller - iv'e just seen a loverly fur coat im after, a bargain at only £400
man - ok if you feel you must, but why u want a coat at £400 is beyond me.
caller - thank you dear, but iv'e also just passed the BMW dealer, and that new car's in, they only want 90,000 for it.
man - 90,000, thats a bit much, its only a bmw, but if you must have it buy it, but make sure theres all the extra's included in that price.
caller - ok dear, i will. and you know that house we were looking at has just come onto the market. its up for 375,000.
man - put an offer in for the house too, but DON'T go above 350,000 alright?
caller - yes love. your such a dear, i love you. bye.
man - ok then bye bye.
the man hangs up, and everyone in the bar is looking at him in astonishment. He then holds up the phone and says, "anyone know who this phone belongs to".

[Matra et Alpine]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds...a hell of a lot quicker than waiting for a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!!!!

[SPHFerrari]

haha. thats a good one.

[crisis]

Spike Milligan finally got his dying wish. His family finally allowed his tomb stone to have the words he wished enscribed on it albiet in Gaelic Irish. Stil able to deliver classics even in death his tomb stone reads
"I told you I was ill."

[crisis]

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on
board. The headquarters in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen

A few moments later headquarters calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the
fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to
analyse the solar radiation.So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....


"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and dont touch a damn thing."