Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Jack_Bauer]

*ahem*

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/806826-post29.html

[Matra et Alpine]

*ahem*

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/806826-post29.html

Damn you Moriarty !
Found it on another forum thought as no one had posted the JOKE in the JOKE thread I should.

nah-nah-nha-nah-nah

[adamfraser]

Classic.

[Gt1Street]

Pregnancy Tips:

[Gt1Street]

part 2

[chris98891]

did you hear about the two antennae that got married? the ceremony was decent....

....but the reception was excellent!

[Kitdy]

I would have posted them if I could, but I can't save them for some reason.

Pretty good.

Gearhead Motivation

The rotary one is for Matra.

[clutch-monkey]

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.< BR>
A.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age..

D.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

[Birdman]

Some of you will get this.

10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer

1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.
2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."
3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
4. We have significant figures.
5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.
6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?
7. Engineers do it to specifications.
8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.
9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
10. We know the right hand rule.
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

[Jack_Bauer]

[Kitdy]

What I find most funny about all of this is after all the unmitigated disasters of the current administration and governing party, the polls have McCain and Obama in a dead heat.

I mean, McCain is no Bush, but come on people.

[crisis]

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[Mustang]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

My name is Carmen, she told him.

That's a beautiful name, he replied. Is it a family name?

No, she replied. I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.

What's your name? she asked.

He said, B. J. Titsengolf

[Jack_Bauer]

Staying on the American politics theme...

[Jack_Bauer]

True story...

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.
The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: 'Runway too short'?
To which I replied. 'I'm late for work'
To which he asked, 'What do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.
'A what?'
'A rectum stretcher'
'and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said 'I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet'
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. 'And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?'
To which I politely replied, 'You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge.'