Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[LotusLocost]

The Lucas factory motto: “Get home before dark”.

- Joseph Lucas' last words: “Don't drive at night”.

- Lucas denies having invented the darkness, but they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness".

- Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit, inventors of the first intermittent wiper and the self dimming
headlamp.

- The 3 position Lucas switch: Dim, Flicker & Off. The other 3 switch settings: Smoke, Smolder & Burn.


- The Original Anti-theft device: Lucas Electronics.

- If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

- It's not true that Lucas in 1947 tried to get Parliament to
repeal Ohm's law, they withdrew their efforts when they
met too much resistance.

- Did you hear about the guy who asked the owner of a Triumph "How can you tell one switch from another at
night as they all look the same?" He replied "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

- Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone, Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb, Joseph Lucas invented
the Short Circuit.


- We fully understand why the Brits drink warm beer, they have Lucas refrigerators.

- After driving LBC's for a while you don't trust anyone named Lucas.

- When your dynamo dies, you just pull another out of your Lucas pile of bits.

- I have had a Lucas Pacemaker for years and never had any trou...

- How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

- Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency, that's all.

- Some years ago Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars
from Schwartzwald will come with electrics supplied by the Prince of Darkness - how appropriate!

EDIT: Link to the Lucas fan page: Worldwide Lucas Electrics Lovers' Fan Page

[crisis]

The sexy airplane chick.....




A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,"Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

[MRR]

How to scare the living shit out of the annoying person next to you on the plane. Save page, open browser and act like you are praying.

the countdown

[fisetdavid26]

How to scare the living shit out of the annoying person next to you on the plane. Save page, open browser and act like you are praying.

the countdown

FLAWLESS VICTORY.

That HAS to be the most epic joke you can do in a plane.

[CdocZ]

Until the air marshal shoots you

[jediali]

very funny to begin with then sad when you get arrested/shot.

[man 430gt]

Back To The Funny Jokes!!

[Matra et Alpine]

[Jack_Bauer]

An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm Screwed this time!"

Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you".

So the explorer picks up the rock and proceeds to bash the chief unconscious.

As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundreds of cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God's voice booms out again and says,







"OK.....NOW you're screwed".

[LotusLocost]

[crisis]

3 Women; 1 engaged / 1 married / 1 a mistress, having coffee, start talking about their relationships and decide to amaze their men........
That night they agree to wear a leather bodice, stiletto's & a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up again.......


The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me wearing a leather bodice, 12cms stilettos & mask over my eyes.
He saw me, he said " you are the woman of my dreams, I love you" .... We then made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah ! Me too, the other night I met my lover at work in his office, and I too was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat,
when I opened the raincoat........ He did not speak, he just kissed me all over then we made wild passionate love for hours !!!


The married woman: Well the other night, I packed the kids off to my mothers for the night. I got my self ready in the leather bodice,
super stilettos & the mask covering my eyes. My husband came in from home, took one look and said....." Hi Batman, whats for Dinner ?" !!!!!!!!!!

[TS020]

Make what you wish of this.

[Zytek_Fan]

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

If only it said two wheel drive pickup!

sorry Colin

[Matra et Alpine]

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching his local field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I apologise in advance for any offence caused....but hey, read the thread title.

If you laugh at this, you are almost certainly going to hell.